Amateur
by theopshop
Summary: Zer0 and Gaige discuss the subtle art of poetry.


A rather small spiderant leapt at Gaige, scrabbling for traction on her boot. She kicked at it absently, and it went spinning towards Zer0, who impaled it on his sword without a second thought.

"There it is," he said, pointing at the recorder lying wedged into the sand.

"Why are we collecting these for him again?" sighed Gaige, picking it up and shaking it clean.

"We are Vault Hunters," replied Zer0. "We waste time on pointless tasks to achieve our goal."

"Sooo… not really any reason at all?"

"No."

"Thought so," said Gaige smugly. She poked the Play button on the recorder.

"Scarlett…" said Herbert's scratchy voice from the recorder, "I wrote you a haiku. Ahem. 'You got a nice butt. You also got a nice chest. Your face is okay too -' NO! Six syllables! I screwed – oh, it's ruined, god dammit!"

Zer0 snorted. "Amateur."

"Oooh, fightin' words," smirked Gaige. "Not everyone's as good at poetry as you."

"It's very simple. Anyone can write haiku, you just have to try."

"So what you're saying," replied Gaige, a sly grin forming on her face, "is that it's not really a huge skill to have?"

"Of course it isn't," replied Zer0. "This…" He pulled his sniper rifle from his back and levelled it at a spiderant that had wandered away from the rest of its nest. With a single click of the gun, the ant's abdomen exploded and it collapsed. "…is skill."

"Showoff," said Gaige, poking her tongue out. Zer0 flashed **:P** back at her, shouldering his rifle.

"So," continued Gaige, "how would you have written that haiku?"

"With more tact," replied Zer0.

"Sorry?"

"If that was for you," said Zer0, indicating the recorder, "you would be a bit creeped out by its bluntness, yes?"

"Yeah, that's true. It was a bit forward."

"So approach it more tactfully. Gracefully. Poetry, especially romantic poetry, is like combat. Sometimes planning and tact work better than just charging in."

"Oh hush," said Gaige, grinning. "So go on. Write me a poem about my butt."

Zer0 sighed and folded his arms. "Your hair is lovely. You have a gorgeous figure. You are beautiful."

"Oh, wow," said Gaige, a little flustered. "Yeah, well, technically that wasn't about my butt, but I'll take it."

Zer0 chuckled to himself slightly. Gaige, not hearing him, pressed on.

"You made that seem easy. How do you do it?"

"It takes some practise," replied Zer0, "but you can get good at it. It's very simple."

"Okay, so say… say I wanted to write you a poem about how much I liked your butt."

"What is your fascination with butts today?" said Zer0, with a playfully sarcastic inflection.

"I like butts," replied Gaige, grinning. "Especially yours, and seriously, can you blame me? Now come on, how do I write a haiku about it? What's the trick?"

"The trick, if there is one, is knowing how to add and remove syllables from a sentence without changing its meaning. You can use contractions to shorten sentences, or the full phrase to lengthen them. You can look for synonyms with different syllable counts. That sort of thing."

"Okay… so, like, if I said, 'I like your butt', that's too short, but if I said… uh… how about 'I worship your butt', that's the right length, yeah? Is that what you mean?"

"That is quite creepy, but it illustrates my point. Now seven and five."

"Okay… 'I want to touch -' no, that's only six. Hmm. This is hard."

"Like I said, it takes some practise."

"Ooh, okay, I think I've got it." Gaige cleared her throat. "Okay. 'Your butt is awesome. I think it is the best butt. Please let me touch it.'" She paused, very slightly nervous. "How was that?"

"For a first attempt… that poem was not bad at all. Very nicely done."

"Thanks," said Gaige, smiling. She paused. "Sooo… can I?"

"Hmm?"

"Can I touch your butt?" Gaige blushed slightly. Zer0, who had been surveying the nearby pirate camp through his sniper rifle, turned back to her and grinned, both on and under his helmet.

"We are on a job. Not now; but maybe later. When we are done here."

"Is that a promise?"

"Perhaps," replied Zer0 with another grin. He gestured at the pirate camp. "Shall we?"

"Hell yeah," said Gaige. She drew her shotgun, summoned Deathtrap and charged forward, shouting. Zer0 drew his slag rifle, smiling despite himself, and started softening up the pirates; sometimes it was better just to let her get on with it.


End file.
